This is day 3. I am currently sitting at a restaurant in downtown Hilo called Tina’s Garden. We are about to have some coconut soup with durian ice-cream.
My First Visit to Hilo, Hawaii
Earlier today we went to the movies to watch Dr. Strange. This was a film about a neurosurgeon who, after ruining his hands on a car accident, joins a monastic cult to save the universe. The special effects where excellent, the plot, not so much.
I was a bit disappointed, not only with the movie but with myself for agreeing to watch the movie. I thought that I had many more productive things to do than sit in a theater for two hours, but for some reason that I don’t comprehend, I still agreed to go.
Sometimes I do things and I don’t know why. I am sure many would agree that it isn’t easy to do what we think we want to do. For example, I came to Hawaii on a mission, to become a fruitarian bodybuilder and after three days of being here, I have only worked out once, for 3o minutes. I was also planning on eating a fully whole raw vegan diet, focusing on fruits more than anything but so far it has not been the case. I already had chips, almonds and chocolate. Perhaps the reason is I haven’t had a chance to buy any fruit yet.
Feelings and Fillings on the Afternoon
Following the movie we walked to Downtown and ended up at Tina’s. The coconut soup was delicious and the durian ice-cream was delicious as well. They did not settle so well. Perhaps because I am tired or because they were processed foods, I am not sure. What I do know is that I am feeling sleepy and needing to take a nap, I also feel a little run down, perhaps from the heat, the humidity, the long walk from the movies to the restaurant or maybe I just need some time to decompress.
I also noticed that I have been feeling a little lonely lately. It is an interesting feeling since this is the most I have been in company with others for a long time. I actually think it has to do with the lack of physical touch that I have been experiencing over the last six months.
I noticed that there are a handful of couples here at the Kanekiki farm who are very “touchy-feely”. It does not bother me to see them, in fact, I am happy for them and even thought I feel a little jealous it does not get to make or bring up any feelings of resent. I understand that this is where I am at right now and that I have made a conscious choice to be alone. At the same time, I wish there was someone for me to be sensual with but there is no one in this group whom I am attracted to in that way. I hope the person I am waiting for is on her way. I just need to have patience and believe.
What the Evening Brings
Right now I am sitting in the bus, we are heading back to the Kanekiki Community Farm. Despite feeling tired and a little I am glad of where I am at. I noticed that writing these blogs is of immense benefit for me. It not only helps me express myself but it is also good writing practice and a way to stay in touch with friends around the world.
I don’t know how many people will read this, but this doesn’t matter to me. Writing itself has value on its own.
What the Days Will Bring
I started this blog with the intention to tell a story. I thought that story would be about becoming a fruitarian bodybuilder, perhaps that is still the case. In the meantime I plan to continue writing, whether it is about the fruitarian diet, bodybuilding, and community living on my simple human emotions.
Wise men say the journey is not about the destination but the journey itself. In the same way, this blog is not about the destination but the journey of writing, word by word. It is the only way I know how to write.
What the Night Brought
We ended up getting off the bus earlier than I thought. Apparently we had the choice to remain in the bus for another hour and a half or get off and ask for a lift. That was definitely an unexpected turning point for me, the following hour was the roughest time I’ve had since I got to Hawaii.
I was pretty mad that we were still so far from the Kanekiki farm. I didn’t expect that the bus ride back from Hilo would include a two hour bus ride. I guess that was my fault for not gathering enough information.
After getting off the bus we walked for half an hour. I went ahead of our group, I needed time alone. During the walk I got involved in some angry/sad thoughts. I questioned the benefits of this trip and wondered if I should end my stay early. I believe that we have a week to give to test the place and give notice if it is not working out for us. I am not sure how all that goes but maybe I should find out.
Changing the Space
After walking for half an hour we made it to a big intersection where we stopped to get for a lift. We probably waited for twenty minutes. It was getting dark but luckily a van stopped to pick us up. Inside the van there was a family of five. Mom was driving, with a baby on her lap and dad was in the passenger seat, with the older daughter on his lap. On the back seat was another baby, a bit older than the first. The van had enough space to fit me, my three friends, and two other people who were also asking for a ride with us.
I was moved by the spirit of this family, for a moment my mood chanced and I felt grateful for the experience I was having. I realized that nothing like this would have ever happened in Boulder. The bliss was short lived thought and soon was overtaken by the fear of our van crashing against a palm tree. Mom wasn’t the best driver in the island…
Why I want to go Back Home
I guess the answer is pretty simple. My needs are not being met. This is partially my fault, since I haven’t been asking for everything I needed. On the other hand, there are some unexpected circumstances that can’t be altered, the internet is too slow to work, the closest town is too far away to walk and the weather is rougher than I expected.
There are also circumstances regarding the community that I am not loving. Again, this is more likely to be my fault than anyone else’s. Needless to say, everyone whom I have interacted with is very nice. People are kind, playful and easy to talk to. The issues are on the details and it is hard to tell if this is something that I need to bring up and try to fix or if it is something I need to accept and come to terms with.
Why I don’t want to go Back Home
I came to Kanekiki to become a fruitarian bodybuilder. I would feel defeated if I left so soon. The community is great and the space is beautiful. I think that all the discomforts I feel have more to do with me being spoiled by modern conveniences than anything else.
I also think that this is a test, like many others in life, where I must accept the present moment and focus on the positive instead of delving in the negative. If so many people love this place, why can’t I?
This is certainly an excellent chance for me to practice contentment, six weeks should be more than enough to adopt to this environment. I have done it before. Perhaps, if I focus more on what I want in need, I can feel better and chance my mind about all of it. If I never try, I will never know.
It’s what we are.
READ ABOUT DAY 4
Read about Yesterday (Day 2)
