I am writing again with a headache and little inspiration. Despite the pain I physically feel, I can say that today was quite successful for my Fruitarian Bodybuilding Athlete Challenge. I didn’t eat a fully fruitarian diet, but I took a picture, slept a lot, walked for 2 hours and wrote this blog. Not bad for a day in which I woke up feeling I was about to day. I will take home my four stars. Thank you.
Swimming on Coconuts
By now, I have consumed more coconuts since I arrived to Gaia Yoga Gardens than in my whole life. I would estimate that I am around the high 40s or 50s. The fact that they are so easily available, delicious and free has contributed to my inability to stay focused on a fully fruitarian diet. I am not making excuses, I am just giving you reasons.
On the dark side, this is a bummer because I am failing to resist the temptation to consume all those coconuts. It is taking me away from my goals and my values, which not only include fruitarianism, but health and vitality as well. On the bright side, however, I have learned that coconuts are a less than optional food source, that they can be highly addictive, that they don’t digest so well and that humans “shouldn’t” consume them at all, why? Because they are not fruit. J
Swimming in Confusion
Since arriving to Gaia Yoga Gardens I have also experiences high levels of confusion. I used to think that my inability to make concrete choices was due to the fact that I was smoking so much weed, but now that I haven’t smoked at all in almost three months I am able to see that smoking weed doesn’t necessarily correlate perfectly with having a super sharp and clear mind.
I also can’t blame this on Gaia Yoga Gardens, after all, it was confusion that lead me here. I knew I wanted to leave the Kanekiki Farm but I didn’t know where I wanted to go. I searched and searched for weeks and this was the best I could find. Perhaps I was lazy with my approach, maybe I was short of options, or my standards were too high, maybe I am too critical of other people and communities and that is why I couldn’t make up my mind.
Anyhow, after a bunch of thinking and back and forth I decided to purchase a plane ticket to return to Denver Colorado on March 6th. A few hours later I felt anxious and changed it to March 1st. Less than 24 hours later I changed it again to March 6th. I ended up paying $40 more for the same flight but I am actually more upset about all the wasted energy, the anxiety and the stress, which I know so well and had not experienced so strongly since I moved to the Kanekiki Farm in Hawaii.
Swimming in Doubt
The other thing that I am constantly doubting is weather I want to continue to follow a strict raw vegan diet. So far it was been more than two months since I ate any cooked food and it has been a wonderful experience. To be honest, I do feel that I have more energy and less digestive problems (as long as I don’t over eat on macadamia nuts or avocados). It is hard to make more judgements because I never know what is actually contributing to changes in my life, is it the diet? Or the weather? Or is it changes in the stars?…
Anyhow, I am starting to find it more and more challenging to stick to it. I can see more roadblocks coming my way. Going back to Colorado will certainly make it more challenging, in part because there is less fruit, it is cold and I will likely get back to smoking weed, which will make it easier for me to get tempted to eat cooked foods. I also will be spending more time with my parents, who make delicious cooked meals.
This brings me to the same questions I have been pondering since I jumped on this fruitarian / raw vegan journey: When is it ok to stop? What would be a good reason for me to eat cooked food? Is convenience a good excuse? What about new experiences? Social pressure? Lust? Fear? Boredom?
There are many reasons for me to get off the raw vegan path and cancel, or perhaps pause, this fruitarian adventure. I could focus on the pros and the cons for days and days, which is what I have been doing since I started. Eventually, something will happen and I will need to cope with that. I am not sure what the future holds, but I would love to continue to be a fruitarian bodybuilder.
