Maybe I'll go Back. Don't Look, Just Feel. Day 4, Part 1

Day 4 started early. I woke up at midnight and couldn’t fall back asleep. I don’t know if it was the itch from all the mosquito bites or the restlessness I feel in my heart. I keep thinking about returning home.

Restless Sleep, Early Night

This are officially the worse 12 hours I’ve had since arriving to Hawaii. I certainly did not foresee finding myself in this situation, definitely not so early on my trip. Yesterday was rough, I felt like I didn’t have a clear intention for the day and I didn’t honor my needs and boundaries. It was 100% my fault, there is no one else to blame.

I woke up because I was feeling restless, my hands were itching from mosquito bites but my heart was feeling worse. Something inside didn’t let me sleep. I laid in bed tossing and turning, trying to shake that feeling off and go back to sleep. It was useless.

I set up on my bed and rested my head on my hands. What is going on? Why can’t I sleep? I had no idea what time it was. Maybe I had already slept enough? I had gone to bed at 8 p.m. and even though it was still dark it was possible that I had already gotten 8 hours of sleep.

Searching for Answers through the Stars

I slowly got off the bunk-bed, careful not to wake up my roommate sleeping bellow. I checked the phone, it was just past midnight!

I threw a shirt on, pants and some socks and headed outside the hut. There was no point to staying there, I knew I wouldn’t be able to sleep.

I walked in the dark lighting the path with my phone. After 100 yards I made it back to the parking area that connects the kitchen and the community room. I looked up to the sky, it was full of stars shining bright on top and around me. I stayed there for ten, or maybe twenty minutes, I am not sure.

It would have been nice to get a chair and lay there all night, but for some reason I didn’t. I turned around and noticed there was a light on in the room right behind me. There was a person inside, it was Barbara, the inter coordinator and co-owner of the farm. I thought about telling her what was going on but it didn’t feel like the right time.

To be honest, I am a little afraid to tell her what is going on. I fear that if I tell her that I am disliking my time here she will start to dislike my time here as well. I fear this may become a self-fulfilling prophesy. On the other hand, I don’t believe I am purposely manifesting any of this turmoil. I wanted to move here, as a matter of fact, I was hoping I would live here for many years to come, this was my dream.

Why is This Happening?

I looked at the stars for another minute and then headed upstairs to the community room. I plugged my phone and computer and laid outside on a hammock. I continued to wonder, why is this happening? What should I do?

Ten minutes later I was back on my feet. I headed inside to the community area, opened my computer and began to write this blog. One paragraph later I was looking at flights to get back to Colorado. If I left tomorrow it would be $500, pretty much the same price I paid to get here and it is likely to be the same price it would cost to get back in six weeks.

What would I do if I went back? I left my job to come here, but it wouldn’t be hard to find something else. I have always been quick to find jobs, when I want to. My parents would surely have a place for me, I am always welcomed at their home. I could go back to driving for Uber, or advertise my services and gt back to massage and personal training. That would feel so defeating thought, what was all this effort for?

The Way of the Way

I took another break from writing this blog and got on Facebook. I needed a breather, or maybe some space to zone out. These words flow pretty easily, but the emotions are hard to swallow.

I found a message in my inbox, from an acquaintance I met in California long ago. She said she had been reading my blogs, she said she felt inspired by my fruitarian experiment. She mentioned she has been trying to become a vegetarian for a while now. I gave her some words of encouragement and appreciation for reaching out. I don’t have many followers, I was honored by her words.

I wonder what she would say, what will everyone say when they read this. Will they be disappointed? Bored? Surprised or indifferent?…

During my Facebook break I look at Jolie Dawn’s Facebook page. She is a beautiful girl I hooked up with in college. She was gorgeous then and she is gorgeous now. She is also making it big, started a career as a woman’s life coach and has been rocking it for the past few years. The feedback she gets its amazing. I am a bit jealous, of course, but very happy and proud of her.

I wondered why it is that some people find that type of success and others don’t. Did she want it more than me? Is she smarter? Brighter? Does she truly have a better outlook in life or is it just luck?

Perhaps it is a combination of all of these, or maybe it is a matter of timing. I don’t know. Maybe my life is also a success, maybe it isn’t measured in money but in words, or maybe it goes deeper than that. I don’t know, these are only thoughts passing through my head, things I tell myself to feel better. Sight…

How Did I get here?

During my break I also looked at Alyce’s Facebook page. She is the main reason why I came to the Kanekiki Farm.

Alyce has a YouTube channel called Raw Alignment and I have been following her for more than three months. Her videos are inspiring and cover topics including the raw vegan diet, minimalism and self-love. I really love her style, her clarity, her enthusiasm and her honest approach to self-expression. She is a pleasure to watch.

Her Facebook page is covered with positive quotes, things like “change your beliefs from negative to positive” and “if you are not happy make a change”… I heard this all before, from different sources. From bumper stickers to the writtings of the Buddha. They all make sense, why are they so hard to apply? After all, I have been reading quotes like that since before Alyce was born, why can she do it and I don’t?

Finding Light in the Darkness

Browsing through Facebook I found another quote: “Comparison is a foolish attitude, each person is unique. Once this understanding settles in you, jealousy disappears.” This one felt a little better but still a hard thing to do.

It seems like I keep jumping from quote to quote and teacher to teacher, looking for a way that isn’t my own. That is how I ended up here, that is how I end up anywhere, following other’s footsteps, my father’s, my mother’s, adds on the T.V., highlights from a basketball game… All this things impregnate my mind and drive me to search and find paths that are not my own, but the mixture makes them my own.

Perhaps I need to look at the glass half full, or maybe, maybe it is good to look at the half empty cup. It is a sad job, but someone has to do it.

I have thought about this before. Sad and gloomy can be beautiful too. Some of the greatest art pieces are painted to tears.

My Way IS the Highway

Alyce’s message is self-love, but what if the self is dark and gloomy? Is it possible to love that too? Do we all need to think positive to make our lives beautiful or can we find meaning in the struggles too?

I don’t know where I may end up. Perhaps I will be buying my flight tomorrow. Maybe I will stay in Hawaii. Maybe I will go to Bali. One thing is certain.

There is no going back.

– The Fruitarian Bodybuilder