What a fucking day. I thought last week was bad but this just seems to be getting worse. Lots of tension at the Kanekiki Farm. It is all good, I hope, we are growing in love.
My Personal Conflicts at the Kanekiki Farm
If you have been following my fruitarian blog you may remember that I have been going through some intense relationships challenges at the Kanekiki Farm. It all started last week when I told one of the girls here (whom I like very much) that I was unsure where I wanted our relationship to go.
At the moment, I didn’t know what I wanted to say and it all came out in the most transparent, honest and mindful way I could verbalize. What I said didn’t sound nice to her and I have been trying to fix our relationship since. In the meantime I noticed there was a handful of people who had issues with me. None of them were saying it to my face, but instead, talking behind my back.
This situation has gotten me quite upset and fairly disappointed. I thought the Kanekiki Farm was a community where we practice nonviolent communication, compassionate communication, radical honesty and the four agreements of Don Miguel Ruiz (be impeccable with your word, don’t make assumptions, don’t take things personally…). I know that no one is perfect, and part of practicing is messing up, however, I think that the tension I have been feeling with some community members has more than built up and I haven’t seen any effort on their side to come together and heal.
This is why over the past couple of days I have taken the initiative and approached people to ask them if they have any issues with me. I figured this is the fastest way to clear up the air. I also realize that I need to start telling people what issues I have with them, I don’t want to be a hypocrite.
The weirdest part of this all is that so far, out of all the people I have asked, no one has said they had any issues with me at all, except for things so miniscule they were not even worth mentioning. I asked people to really think hard and find out if there is anything about me that bothers them and almost everyone said they couldn’t think of anything.
I came to the conclusion that this is either all in my head, or people are truly unwilling to speak up. I think it is a combination of both. I probably have some insecurities with the way I behave AND some people are afraid to be honest with me. The only solution I find is to be even more honest myself.
Visitors at the Kanekiki Farm
To make matters worse, this evening a couple of strangers showed up on the Kanekiki Farm, uninvited and unannounced. I recognized one of them from a YouTube channel I have watched a few times on the past. He seemed like a cool guy with good intentions searching to connect.
I welcomed him and his partner, said hi and acted polite. I also offered the idea for them to stay in our hut since I knew we had some room there. While I was sharing my thoughts, a few people from the farm told me I shouldn’t get their hopes up. This was not what I was doing, I can’t control anyone’s hopes, I can only follow my heart and speak my thoughts. I was passionate about connecting with this people and I shared what I thought. I didn’t tell them they could stay, I didn’t invite them to stay, I just shared my thoughts. From my perspective, I didn’t do anything wrong.
Jake then called Barb to let her know these people were at the Kanekiki Farm wanting to talk to her. I would have preferred if he had told her that this people were at the farm because they wanted to stay. Either way, Barb told them to wait for her to get back to the farm. When she got back, she was stressed about the situation and angry with me because I didn’t follow the protocol (which I didn’t know about) which is that we are supposed to tell people who walk into the property to leave right away.
I tried talking to Barb twice since then but she has refused to so far. Now I have to add another person to the list of people who are mad at me without telling me why. I get she has her right to wait until she is ready to talk and I respect that. Again, I know, deep in my heart, that she is not doing anything wrong, neither are the other people who may or may not have issues with me. I just don’t like how some relationships are being handled in the community, at least the ones I am involved in. In one hand, this is a pain in the ass, on the other hand, this is a huge opportunity for growth.
Am I Staying at the Kanekiki Farm?
All these interactions have me thinking about leaving the Kanekiki Farm. I just don’t want to be in a place where I can’t trust that people are being honest with me and clearing issues as they come up. Again, I am not perfect at doing this, but that is where my expectations are. I don’t want to leave, my hope is that these problems resolve and that it strengthens the community and the relationships I have with everyone. I also hope it teaches me a way to better relate with myself and others.
In the meantime, I have been looking at other farms in the area. Some are yoga communities, others are organic farms, some are raw but not vegan, others are just vegetarian. There are some places that offer work-trade opportunities and other places where I could stay if I pay.
I wonder what my life would be like if I move out of the Kanekiki Farm. Part of me would be sad and disappointed. When I moved here I was hoping to stay long term. I was ecstatic to grow and live in the farm, I wanted this to be my home for good, or at least one of them. Now that I may be leaving I need to find acceptance for the path I am on and gratitude for the experiences I am having. I need to trust that wherever I go life is going to have my back and that everything that happens is for the best.
Fears of Missing this Raw Vegan Community
A part of me is concerned though. I fear that if I leave the Kanekiki Farm I will quickly leave my fruitarian diet, stop eating raw vegan food and maybe stop being a vegan. I also fear I might get back into doing drugs, especially smoking weed which is something I love and something it is quite easy to get on this part of Hawaii.
I wish I could stay and continue to be part of this raw vegan community in Hawaii. However, it seems that this isn’t really up to me. I had the intention to come and that went well, but I could have also received a no. Other forces were at play.
I still want to stay, but I also want things to improve, either way it is not up to me. All I can do is look at my environment, notice what I like and dislike, do my best to improve, and the rest is up to God. I am always doing my best, the best that I can.
I wonder if my standards for community are too high. I wonder if my standards for myself at too high as well. Maybe I am afraid the owners will kick me out because I don’t trust that I am good enough, maybe I am afraid I have made too many mistakes. On the other hand, I think that this community has made mistakes as well. Just like I have let it down, it has let me down as well.
I don’t know if this means that we are not a match for each other, or if it means that we need to push through our differences, let go of our expectations, and love unconditionally. I can see the highway going both ways.
I would love to believe I get to choose which side I am on, but I really don’t think that is how life works. Right now I see myself as an observer, watching my life go, I want to take charge, but I am really not in control.
All I can do,
Is be my Self.
